Never stand between an Englishman and his lawn

Sunday July 8, 2007

Just as yesterday was sunny, so today was rainy. July is an unpredictable month. At one time it rained so heavily the road was an inch underwater. Fortunately, with good modern drains, it cleared as fast as it fell. Even so, looking out at the worst of it I could imagine the drain covers popping and gunge-geysers spouting.

When the heaviest squall had passed I popped out into the garden with Dolly for a breath of air. To my horror and disgust the lawn was dotted with caddis-fly larvae, brought to the surface in the rain. Quick as quick, I grabbed the long-handled shears and went round snipping as many as I could manage into two repulsive pieces. Even the most mild-mannered and gentle of Englishment becomes a rampant, savage murdering beast when his lawn is challenged. I sent a text to Graham:

WE HAVE MAGGOTS IN THE LAWN AGAIN++

The response was rapid and definite:

KILL THEM. I’LL WATER WITH BUG SOLUTION TOMORROW BUT KILL AS MANY AS YOU CAN++

And the moral of the story is:

Never stand between an Englishman and his lawn