A matter of diction

Thursday July 19, 2007

Do you ever get the feeling that today’s technological world is all getting a little beyond you? Don’t worry about it if you do. I know deeply intelligent and fully informed people who feel the same way. And probably more often.

Even so, there are some days when I feel I’d be best advised to unplug the phones, turn off the computer, tv and radio, and settle down with a good book. Some days, I do just that. Some days I ought to do just that.

Yesterday, falling into the latter of the two cases, I gave vent to my frustration over the constant barracking of the eco-warriors. Did it with a full helping of my usual light banter because I’m on their side, really, even if they don’t have a sense of humour in any normal sense of the expression. Even so… POP! … and I found I’d opened a real can of worms. Fortunately 99.9% of my readers got my message and 99.9% of the rest gave me the benefit of the doubt. The remainder, like any residue, is best disposed of by the most appropriate means.

Hey ho. I’ll not choke on my tomatoes over it.

Then, today, I really was silly. I decided to pay my water bill over the phone, using the NEW and IMPROVED voice recognition system. Well, it was new and I have to admit that it is improved. Except. There’s always an Except, isn’t there?

I was doing fine until it asked me to confirm my first choice, yes or no.

“I did not catch that,” it said, for all the world as if it were human. “Please say Yes or No.”

“Yes.”

“I did not catch that. Please say Yes or No.”

“Yes.”

“I did not catch that. Please say Yes or No.”

“B*^%%? YES!”

“I did not catch that. Please say Yes or No.”

That was when I came to the understanding that, if you want successfully to deal with automated voice recognition systems, you’re best advised to put your teeth in.

So I hung up, plodded upstairs to the bathroom, did the necessary and returned to the task, gnashing my gnashers.

This time, when I said “Yes,” it said “Thank you,” mild as you like, and I got the job done.

There’s a moral there, and if anyone tells me it’s my fault I’ll bite their noses off. When I’ve put my teeth in.

It’s not like I don’t understand technology. Most of my adult life I worked in computers, back when they were real computers [is that crusty enough, do you think?] and I had my off days then, too. There’s a famous story about me which may still be told in appropriate circles:

I was a junior programmer at the time and my boss’s boss came in just in time to find me bashing my head on my blotter and moaning about computers in general.

“What is the matter with John?” he asked.

“Oh, he just coded a BAL instead of a BALR.”

“Is that bad?”

“Not really. Just a registration problem. Think of it as a slip of the tongue.”

It was all a matter of diction then, and alas and alack, it seems it’s still a matter of diction now.